Are You Spending Too Much Time Together?

Are You Spending Too Much Time Together?

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Dear Eve,

I just started to see someone new. Even though we’ve only been dating about a month, we see each other almost every day and talk on the phone all the time. I really want to keep seeing her, but I’m afraid things are moving a little too fast.

We talked last night and it turns out she feels the same way. She said that it is too early in the relationship to be seeing each other every day, and that we shouldn’t be calling each other so often (before work, after work, on break, etc.). She expressed to me that her mind is telling her we shouldn’t see each other every day—but her heart is saying she wants to. She also said that too much attention turns her off, but too little makes her want it even more. No offense, but women are confusing!

Since she said she doesn't want to see each other everyday, I'm going to be walking on eggshells when I ask her to hang out. I don't want to say, "Hey let’s go to dinner and a movie" and have her say, "Didn't we just talk about this??" So my question to you is: How much is too much and how little is too little? Do I sit back and let her call me? Do I wait for her to say “let’s see each other”? What do I do?

Thank you so much,

Sincerely Confused


It is great that you can talk about it with each other. I would be more concerned if she were the only one saying "This is going too fast," but it sounds like both of you came to the same conclusion. You are right about wanting to avoid walking on eggshells. A lack of confidence is not a good position for dating. You want to keep this light and natural—not a guessing game.

Since you and she talked about this, discuss how much you both feel is too much or too little and come to an agreement.

If you just sit back and let her call you, she may feel like you aren't interested.

Here are a couple things that you might try:

Invite her out ahead of time, like on Monday for Friday night, so you both know when you are getting together. Knowing there is an upcoming date planned may make the time in between more comfortable. Then, when you are together, if it feels right, you can spend more time together over the weekend. Or, make plans for another date later in the week. Initially, make plans for specific dates rather than just “hanging out.” Having a defined plan will take some of the confusion out.

Avoid the 20 calls a day thing—but a call every day or every other day between dates to see how she is doing is a nice thing to do. If you want to distance it a little more than a phone call, you can text her once a day to say, “Hi, just checking to see how your day is going,” or email her. That way you are staying in touch but it isn't a big deal.

It is pretty normal to be excited and want to spend a lot of time with someone, but be sure to spend some of that time determining whether the two of you have more in common than attraction. Do you know her values? Her religious beliefs? Her goals? Do you know what she wants in a relationship? Do you know what you want? Are you both dating other people? Being sexually involved also complicates the matter. If you are sleeping with each other, did you discuss or agree to exclusivity? Did you discuss birth control? If you don't know some of these things, it would be wise to step back and consciously get to know each other, rather than just hanging out. Identify some of your own personal non-negotiables and explore them with her. This will help you determine not just how much time to spend with her, but whether she is the person to spend the time with.

I wish you the best,

With Aloha


Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: How much time is healthy at the beginning of a relationship?

Love Tip of the Week: When in doubt, ask, or even better yet, listen to your own inner voice of wisdom.

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