I’m a 27-year-old female, happy and independent and have just recently discovered my relationship patterns. I am at that age and stage where I am watching all my friends get married and want to avoid succumbing to the pressure to get into any relationship, vs. finding the right partner, i.e. a healthy partner. I realize now that I have chosen people who were abusive, addicted, possessive, and controlling and now, with the New Year coming, wish to do relationships differently. Any suggestions?
Funny enough, I wrote this question to send to you but before I sent it I was wondering what you were going to answer. The more I imagined what you were going to say, the more I realized that I already knew the answer. I answered my own question!
So here is what I came up with; what do you think?
I figured you would start by congratulating me on recognizing my own patterns and making the decision to do something different. You would also probably tell me that I can’t find a healthy partner until I am healthy myself and recognizing my patterns is a good first step in the direction of health. I could hear you saying, “People only treat you the way you allow them to…” so the realization that I will no longer accept abusive or controlling behavior in my life is also another strong step in the right direction.
You would also tell me that if I want to meet healthy people, I need to look in healthy places—in workshops or yoga classes, or for someone who shares similar hobbies and values as I do. For instance, if I don’t want to meet an alcoholic, I shouldn’t look to meet men in bars or at parties.
You might also point out that just because many of my friends are getting married that it doesn’t mean the timing is right for me. I am far better off on my own than I would be pushing the marriage issue with the wrong person. While I would welcome a partner and relationship in my life, I am also really happy on my own. In fact, if I put the law of attraction to work—and if it is the highest good of all involved—I just need to ask for what I want with clarity, confidence and gratitude. I know if I focus on all that I have, love and want, I am far more likely to attract the right person/people into my life than I will if I am focusing on lack, scarcity or fear.
By the time I was done thinking the answer through, I realized that I already had the answers to my questions and there really wasn’t a problem in the first place.
I just wanted to share this with you. Thanks for the “unneeded” advice!
Wow. I’ve never been so happy to be “unneeded!” As an educator, I write this column with the hopes that I am providing the readers with the skills and tools they need to help themselves and you just did it beautifully!
I absolutely love that you resolved your own problem. THAT IS THE GOAL! I often think that if people took the time to write a “Dear Eve” question and answer it themselves, they would see what they are doing that doesn’t work and find their own solutions.
Believe it or not, I have even written myself a couple of “Dear Eve” questions in my journal about things that were bothering me. Somehow, when I see the problem on paper and apply the principle of taking responsibility for what I am feeling, I know what I need to do to resolve the issue. Writing it down and answering the question as if you are giving advice to someone else is a great way to get a different perspective on your problems. We’ve all heard the saying “What would Jesus do?” or the variation, “What would Buddha do?” Ultimately, if we bother to ask the question, we discover we know the right answer.
I wish you the best on your journey of discovery!
Intellectual Foreplay Question of the Week: What would YOU do?
Love Tip of the Week: You know what you need to do or say to make a situation better with someone else. Ego is usually what stops you from doing it.