Are you still out there?   It's been almost a year since you first shared your grief.  The journey is a difficult one. Would you share yours with us?

Red Bow

For me I experienced my ego/will was not in control in my grief these past almost seven months: first I cried without end for around six months - sometimes staring out of the window for 2.5 to 3 hours at a time - and then one day the constant crying just stopped.

Having experienced that, I now feel more relaxed about letting go and allowing my spirit/higher self guide my life, because I watched as it orchestrated my functioning for all this time. Looking back now, spirit and all of the other supports I mentioned in the previous comment, helped heal and release the pain gently, gradually and very deeply - like one cradles a newborn with such loving care and devotion.

I don't want to give the impression like I'm through the grief, just what I found helpful in bearing it, because I want to handle the present how both I and my beloved husband and Soulmate would want me to.

Allow your Spirit to love and guide you ...

what can I say about this... I never in a million years thought I would ever have to say good bye to the one who brought me into this world. I never thought I would never get the chance to say I am sorry for all the ugly words and actions. I never thought I would have to make funeral arrangments for someone I loved and loved to hate. I never thought I would see them lower her into the ground. I never thought I would feel such loss and heartbreak. I never thought I would long to feel my mom next to me or to feel her arms around me. I never thought I would not ever hear her say my name. I can't even tell you how much my heart hurts. The tears come and go, some people tell me I need to start healing, but how do you move on when you never got to tell them goodbye... The tears fall, but no one hears them but me.. who can tell me how long this unbearable pain will last. How do I move on? How do I tell a child about a grandmother she will never know? so many questions so little answers...

Twenty five years I was married to my best friend, who went and died on May 7 after we gave it all we had for a very short, extremely stressful nine months. That sounds like I'm angry at him and I'm not. What I am is bewildered. I still just can't fathom that it happened, and when I look around me, I see that family and friends who love(d) us still have lives that have gone on. They hurt, but they go on. I am stopped dead in my tracks, bewildered. I've cried so hard and so long that I've dehydrated myself, and sometimes there are actually no tears left, so it's a dry sobbing I never knew existed until now.

The relief from this pain is emptiness, and the relief from the emptiness is more pain. And so it goes. I trust that at some point, somehow, I'm eventually going to feel something else, but I can't imagine what might cause that to happen.

God? What would I want with a God who ignored me as I begged for his life and has abandoned me now?

I too feel weird about doing this but sometimes talking to strangers who really do know how you feel help. My husband died about a year and a half ago...tragically in an accident. I remember that day like it was yesterday and I can't get the emotion or picture out of my mind. I remember seeing his boss and the owner of the company at my school...and the first words out of my mouth were "I want to go too." Although I would never consider suicide, if God decided it was my time...I couldn't be happier. I've heard all the clichés and wanted to slap the people saying them...they have no idea what is inside of me...which is NOTHING...it seems as if it all went with him. I have had shingles and stress migraines...and didn't take any pain medicine because if I could feel pain...that meant there was something left inside of me that could feel...something. Physical pain distracts you from the emotional pain. Between my mother-in-law rehashing the accident with one of my husband's friends and each day coming to me with ANOTHER reason as to how she thinks it happened...or what I should be doing...I was ready to snap. I didn't let anyone read the accident reports...they are the reason I can't sleep and what replays in my mind every time I close my eyes.

My husband was my BEST friend...for 15 years we were ALWAYS together...and actually didn't get sick of each other. Today I am still angry...angry at God and sometimes even angry at my husband. I lost my best friend and my future. I had what people search their whole lives for...and it was yanked from me. What did I do to deserve this? After a year and a half, I can talk about him and smile. I do cry in private and there isn't an hour that goes by where I don't miss him and think of him. He was such an awesome person, fun-loving, and kept every day interesting and I am a better person because of him. I hate the fact that I am having to start over in my 30's and as a widow at that. I have a step-daughter who is 24...and has decided that I don't exist. I was a part of her life since she was 8 and apparently that means nothing. She has always been very selfish and NEVER took any time to be with her father (and he/we tried SO hard to make that happen). It's terrible but I can't help her with her guilt...she was never the daughter he deserved. Even though I would never say this to her. I know it in my heart. I am afraid I will lose control of my anger and let loose on her. (all of my disappointments in her and things she's done since the funeral would take another three pages!) I force myself to start making connections with people. People from high school, college, friends of friends. Some days...I don't want to get out of bed.

My husband once said that control is an illusion. You only have it when you give it up.

As you can figure...I am a talker...thanks for reading. I think this will make today a little better.

I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't know what you are feeling at this time. Grief is personal. I would encourage you to feel what you feel. The pain is real and you need to go through it.

You might want to journey for a time with a grief counselor. That might be helpful. I really don't know what to say. Do know that we are listening (reading) to you, thinking of you and sharing our love and energy to you!

Sincerely!

for your loss.  I extend my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.

In my dream of your dream, I hear your plea to try to understand why this happened and God's role in this as a plan.

Like you, I am not comfortable at all with God's plan in anyone's death. To me, it just doesn't make any sense. 

I don't think there are any words that anyone can say that will ease the pain.  In fact, I have learned not to say any words -- there are none. Except to express love and caring and healing energy -- and to listen.

It was easy to define God as a child -- but not so today as I grow older.

I don't know what anyone learns from death except to live NOW and to hug more now, to laugh more now...and so on.  So, if it were my daughter getting married on Saturday, I would laugh more hug, her tighter, smile more braodly for me and my loved one -- even though I walk with great pain.