No question really. I just wanted to thank you to opening me to the Old Testament.

I have a great love for the Creator, but could not open my heart to the God of the Jews.
I could not blend the love of the teachings of Jesus Christ with the warring and killing under the orders of the Jewish God.

Your books have made me understand that what we are supposed to be learning is the best and the worst. We are supposed to be learning to 'war no more', because no one wins. The only difference between the victor nation and the defeated nation is who is going to write the history of their encounter.

Submitted by Eliza on Jan 17, 2008 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Eliza,

I love the way you put this. I believe the Bible shows us both what we are to do and what we are not to do, and it does in the most power way we humans know: story.

It is a shame so many people dismiss myth as falsehood when in fact it is deep metaphoric wisdom. The Bible doesn't have to be factual to be true.

Shalom,
Rami

It came to me recently that the Way of the Sage becomes the Way of the Prophet when confronted by folly and greed. Folly, or foolishness, is turning refusing Wisdom's conjugal bed. Greed is not just wanting more and more stuff, it is also wanting things to be as they're not, specifically wanting them to be as one wishes or insists them to be. That's when the prophetic impulse arises among Wisdom's lovers.

Does this sound about right to you? Submitted by Peter Schogol on Jan 8, 2008 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Honestly, we would have to have a long conversation on exactly what you have in mind with this, but if you are saying that when the Sage confronts folly and greed she has the chance to become a Prophet, I find that interesting. The implication is that a sage can avoid dealing with the world, but when she does she has a chance to transform it through prophetic consciousness and action. Nice.

This website really isn't meant for this kind of philosophical speculation, Peter, so let's find another venue for this. Thanks,
Rami

Hello Rami,

I notice in your books after OPEN SECRETS that you speak less of Neshamah and Chayyah and more of mochin d'katnut and mochin d'gadlut. Are these in any sense equivalent terms?

Also, as one who is a Jew in a Quaker context, I had assumed Chayyah to be "that of God in everyone." Would mochin d'gadlut be a better understanding? Submitted by Peter Schogol on Jan 2, 2008 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Interesting observation.

I continue to use the Five Worlds/Five Soul model and find it very helpful when explaining the process of spiritual maturation. And I use mochin d'gadlut/spacious mind and mochin d'katnut/narrow mind when speaking more generally.

What I have in mind is this: when you engage life with spacious mind you are doing so from the perspective of "all-in-one" that is chayyah consciousness. When you you engage life with narrow mind you are doing so from the perspective of "all against all" that is neshamah or egoic consciousness. When you you engage life from the persepective of yechidah or nondual awareness you realize that both narrow and spacious minds are manifestations of a greater nonduality and each has its purpose and place.

I hope that helps, Peter. Happy New Year,
Rami

Dear Rabbi,
I work at a children's hospital and although I realize death walks along side of us all from the time we're born I still feel such depression and sympathy for dying children and their parents who, after many months and sometimes years of therapy finally hear the dreaded words,"nothing medically can be further done." This is the ultimate death sentence. I grieve along with these parents knowing that this is their childs last Christmas. How does one cope without falling into depression. I've meditated and prayed for the release of suffering for these families but a feeling of meloncholy follows me like a shadow. Sometimes I think that's a good thing cause it helps me appreciate each day, the negatives as well as the positives but I still ache inside for the kids and their families. Thank you for your time.
Nancy Submitted by Nancy on Dec 24, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Nancy,

I want to answer this as clearly as possible, and I hope I won't be misunderstood or come across as cold.

First, I want to challenge you regarding the notion of depression. Feeling sympathy and compassion for the child and her parents is natural, but falling into depression is your own drama. The reality is that a child is about to die. The reality is that people are about to suffer terribly. This may make you cry; it may break your heart; it may open you to the deepest compassion for all who suffer, but depression is something else.

Depression (of this sort, not that brought on by chemical imbalance) is a self-indulgence that feeds one's story about how things should be rather than one's capacity to face reality as it is.

So, let's put personal drama aside. What is left? Grief? Confusion? Anger? Doubt? All these make sense to me. If you are not broken by such sadness, you are either heartless or a coward, and I sense you are neither.

So how do you cope? I only know one way: surrender. By surrender I mean simply let things be as they are, both what is happening with others and yourself. Do not change a thing. Only open to what is.

This will hurt. It will leave you without a script to follow, or a doctrine to hide behind. It will leave you raw, ragged, and radically open to love.

If there are children under your care who are dying this Christmas, and families you are confronted with celebrating the birth of The Child with the death of their own, don't be afraid to cry with them. Being with people as a silent open witness to their pain and suffering may be the best gift you can give them and yourself this Christmas.

I hope this helps. Shalom,
Rami

No question. Just wanted to tell you that I put 2 of your books on my wishlist, and have learned that they will be under my Christmas tree. I can't wait for Santa! (well, really, I can wait, and will) Submitted by Eliza on Dec 6, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Eliza,

Lucky for Santa I don't write long books. Thanks and Merry Christmas.

I am a Christian who grew up in the Bible Belt. Even though I do not like traditional religion anymore I still believe in the basic principles of Christianity. I just read your comment about Original Sin & I was wondering if you could elaborate on your point of view about it. I really do enjoy learning things from different points of view.

Thanks! Submitted by Laurie on Dec 6, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Laurie,

My take on Original Sin is simple: there isn't any. People are born innocent. As we grow up we become capable of great love and great cruelty. We have to own up to both, and seek to bring the latter under the rule of the former.

I'm a Messianic Jew (yeah, I know this is controversial - but I like Jesus better than Rashi). Yesterday my friend Sarah (who is a conservative Jew - not at all Messianic) and I were confronted and told that we were both going to hell. She's going because she doesn't believe in Jesus, I'm going with her because I put up a Christmas tree for my handicapped teenager.

Since neither one of us accepts the concept of a literal "hell" was it OK (spiritually speaking) that we found this incredibly funny rather than offensive?

P.S. I love everything you write. You're my favorite Rabbi. :-) Submitted by Vania Burkhardt on Dec 6, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Vania,

Hell is like pornography. It allows people who cannot kill you in this life, to fantasize about doing so in the next life. And like pornography it is degrading. People who delight in sending others to hell degrade themselves and betray a shallow spirituality.

I'm glad you didn't take the remark to heart.

Dear Rabbi,

Is a first trimester abortion making a moral covenant with death, or can this be a wise choice of releasing a soul to a divine life instead of a earthly existence? Submitted by Amy on Nov 30, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Amy,

I hesitate to answer this without knowing why you are asking, so please know that my answer is very contingent on my ignorance of your situation.

First, I don't know what a "moral covenant with death" means. I think abortion to save the life of the mother is moral yet it certainly involves death. So I can't answer that.

Second, are you suggesting that abortion is a short-cut to salvation? I doubt this is what you have in mind, but, again, I am not sure what you are asking.

If you are concerned about the fate of the soul of an aborted fetus, I again have questions. Do you believe baptism is necessary for salvation? If so, then aborted babies and babies who die before being baptized may be in jeopardy. The Catholics used to imagine a place called Limbo where all such souls would go, but they recently abandoned that belief in favor of a more generous theology that says God will welcome these souls and not penalize them for dying too soon.

As you can see I am of no help to you here. Your lack of clairity is reflected in my own. If, on the other hand, you are simply trying to catch me in some theological trap over abortion, just let me know and I will gladly step into it for you if you like.

I am pro-life. Sometimes that means choosing the life of the mother over the life of the fetus.

I have been on a spiritual quest since my early 20's. Now I am 60, and still searching. I would love to find a non-dogmatic group of people who do not debate, but share their outooks. I am sometimes lonely, but usually not. Where to fellow seekers who find truth in many teachings, but who do not accept any type of dogma that says, we are right, they are wrong? or say, there can only be one way Home. Submitted by Eliza on Nov 8, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Eliza,

You are not alone in your desire to find a community devoted to opening minded and open hearted conversation. What I and others did in my small town in Tennesseee was simply announce a public conversation (I held mine for years at the public library), there is another group called Conversation Cafe at a local coffeehouse). Spend some time listening to each other's stories and searchings, and, if there is still time, read and explore personal reactions to a short text you find spiritually compelling. Meet regularly and in time you will find the community you desire.

Greetings Rabbi ! No question, but a few words on your wonderful column (Nov/Dec issue) Thank you for your balanced and generous sharing! I have never been a fan of organized religion (but I have tried over and over again to belong throughout my life ) it is nice to know seekers of the Divine are out there....
thanks for bringing a light back
to a moment of darkness!
Shalom! Submitted by Karen on Nov 6, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Thanks, Karen.

I am very blessed to have the opportunity to work for Spirituality and Health magazine. I am honored that people do ask me questions and humbled that others want to read my answers.

Shalom,
Rami

Dear Rabbi,
First of all I love your articles and answers. You always give enlightening advice and explanations. Now my question: I love studying religions, their similarities and differences, and it seems those I've studied so far have the same basic senerio, there's a "hero"like St. Paul, Milarepa, Moses, who lived egotistical, self centered lives until some great "trauma"led them to know God or become enlightened which motivated them to go out to preach to the people about how to live a more fulfilling life. Were these actual people and events or are these stories parables and each religion just borrowed bits and pieces from one another to make a point ?
Thank you for your time.

Nancy
Submitted by Nancy on Nov 6, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Hi Nancy,

I tend to believe that these heroes are historical figures, but the stories we have about them may be parables. it doesn't matter to me if the historical Moses did what the Torah says he did, or if the historical Jesus said everything that the Gospels have him say. It is the story that matters to me.

Story, myth, and parable are the most powerful teaching tools we have, and I never trouble myself over their factuality. I am interested in their meaning. I never ask: "What does the story say?" but "What does the story mean?" Since meanings change as I change, I find I don't outgrow the stories, but rather grow into them. There is no one final meaning to a great parable or myth. They are catalysts to our own inner journey and can therefore surprise us with new meanings as we are ready to open to new meanings.

Encountering sacred text as story also allows me to learn from all religions without having to make them all say the same thing.

I hope this helps.

Rami

How to go back to God if you've sinned against Him? Submitted by Aaron on Oct 25, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: In my experience, sinning against God is like trying to punch a wave: no matter how hard you strike, you really can't do any damage.

Think in terms of swimming in the ocean. If you swim with the current the ocean works with you. If you swim against the current the ocean works against you. While this matters greatly to you, it matters not at all to the ocean. And, regardless of which way you choose to swim, you are always in the ocean.

God is like this as well. You can live godly or ungodly, but God is unchanged and uneffected. And, regardless of which way you live you are never separate from God. After all if God is infinite how can anything be separate from God?

If you are "swimming" in an ungodly manner, you aren't sinning against God or separate from God. You are simply working against your own best interest. All you have to do is "turn from evil and do good;" that is, stop the ungodly and do the godly. No separation is possible; no return is necessary.

Hello Rami,

I'm not clear about the difference, if any, between Chochmah and Shechinah. Could you illuminate?

L'shalom Submitted by Peter Schogol on Oct 25, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: This is difficult to answer because I can't tell if you are speaking of the biblical idea of Chochmah as God's Daughter and the Mother of all Creation, or the kabbalistic understanding of Chochmah as the second of the ten sephirot.

My own interest is in the biblical Chochmah so let me respond from there. Chochmah is Divine Wisdom, the Hebrew equivalent of the Tao. In the abstract she is the way of all things, like the grain in wood and the current in the ocean. She is also personified as a person, a Woman calling you to Her that you might know the way of all things. I experience Her this way, and when I do I use the feminine noun shekhinah to refer to it.

Shekhina is the expereince of the Presence of God. God is beyond conceptualization, but not beyond experiencing. We are like fish who cannot grasp the nature of water but who meets water everywhere.

So, simply put, for me Chochmah is the Mother, shekhinah is the experience of meeting the Mother.

Hello Rami,

I'm confused as to the Way of the Sage as opposed to the Way of the Prophet. If Wisdom is the way things are, is justice the way things should be? Does God require justice, mercy, and humility because these are qualities only humans can achieve? Submitted by Peter on Oct 25, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Great question! I would say that the Way of the Sage is understanding the way things are, and that when we live in accordance with that wisdom we naturally live with justice, compassion, and humility, i.e. the Way of the Prophet. I suspect, that many well-meaning people take up the Way of the Prophet without understanding the Way of the Sage end up imposing their vision on others rather than allowing justice and compassion to flow of their own accord. I suspect as well that this is why so many prophets burn out; they aren't being fed spiritually.

Hello Rabi Rami,

I knew you as a child in Miami and am so excited to see you here. Real simple, how do I support my Jewish mother by achkowledging the holidays when I find more in the language that doesn't resonate than does. I have a hard time believing we're still slaves in Egypt or chosen for that matter. And althouhg I know we should remember, I feel we've been reinforcing an identity of victim. In fact, I created a game called Shift that shows us that our thoughts create our reality. You can play a demo at www.shiftthegame.com.

So, how do I acknowledge my heritage and support my mom when I feel I'm moving further from my religion? My answer was to acknowledge the holiday my way and let go of my mother's vision of what a good jew looks like. I chose to acknowledge what I wanted to let go of from last year and what I wanted to bring in for the new year on Yom Kippur. I made a brisket too. And yet, I do not see myself as Jewish anymore. I see that as limiting. I'd rather be a citizen of the world. I guess it's being detached from the other person's expectation. Did I just answer my question?

It's be great to hear from you though. Blessings and love,
Nicole Submitted by Nicole Casanova on Sep 29, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: You are not alone in this. Lots of Jews find the Judaism of their parents irrelevant to their lives. It may well be that your mother felt the same about the Judaism of her parents and grandparents.

There are two issues here, and you already grasp them. First, there is the matter of being a dutiful daughter. Second, there is the matter of being true to oneself.

I suggest you do what you already seem to be doing: reinventing Judaism for yourself. For example, Passover is about liberating oneself from Mitzrayim, literally the narrow places in which one is enslaved. Everyone can relate to that. And Yom Kippur is about awakening to your oneness with God.

Recently I spoke with one of my spiritual teachers about the challenge of identifying with one tribe or another in a world that needs to become increasingly post tribal and global. He said I was putting too much drama into a word. Being a Jew, he told me, is just another garment we wear. Put it on and take it off as seems appropriate.

I do not look forward to a homogenious world, a world without diversity. I have no problem with people belonging to different tribes, religions, etc. as long as we realize these are garments, and beneath them all we are all equal manifestations of God.

I am a member of the Claritas Institute and heard you speak on our phone bridge. You said to call God Lord is ridiculous and politcal. As a Catholic I grew up saying Lord and Master Now I am puzzled. Is it because I am One with Him/Her/. I loved your talk about God outside of the box. Thanks so much! Nancy Submitted by Nancy Morlan on Sep 17, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: What I was referring to is the custom of translating the Tetragrammaton, the unpronounceable four letter Name of God, YHVH, as "Lord." The Name is a form of the Hebrew verb "to be." Where "lord" is hierarchical, patriarchal, and static, YHVH is nondualistic, egalitarian, and fluid. God is the ISing of the universe. Nothing can be separate from God. God is not A being but eternal Becoming.

As for the Catholic tradition, refering to Jesus as Lord and Master is something else entirely. Jesus is a man (and God) and there is a clear Catholic hierarchy of male priests, bishops, cardinals, the pope, Peter, Jesus and God the Father. So if calling Jesus Lord and Master works for you, that's fine. My concern was imagining God as a man separate from the universe which is not what the Hebrew Scripture says. I hope this helps clarify things, Nancy. Shalom.

I grew up in a devoutly Christian family and have always considered spiritual study to be a joy. I've spent the last several years studying a different religion each year. For two years now, I've been reading Torah, tons of other books about Judaism and Jewish spiritual practice, and learning Hebrew with a computer program.
I feel such a strong connection to Judaism that I'd like to delve a bit deeper. I'm considering going to the local synagogue but don't know anyone there. Any suggestions, tips, etc...? Submitted by Seth on Aug 31, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Seth,

The key to going beyond books is to find a teacher with whom you resonate. You may have to visit a number of rabbis before finding one who is right for you. Any rabbi can share knowledge, but only one in sync with you can open your soul to its deepest meanings. Take your time and trust your instinct.

Hello Rabbi,
I am Jewish and have a deep relationship with Israel. I've been there to study Hebrew and lived on a kibbutz for a period of time. And I enjoy the holidays. The conflict: my fiance is an ardent peace activist and is not Jewish. He perceives Israel as a corrupt and violent country. It pains me to hear him lambaste a place so dear to my heart. He seems unable to separate the people from the government. Do you have any ideas (apart from visiting, which is not possible yet) for how I might introduce him to the richness and history and joy of this place? He is not willing to read anything because he is too busy reading his own peace materials. Thanks in advance for your insights! Submitted by mkc on Aug 25, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear MKC,

Your letter troubles me, not so much because of your fiance's opinion but because of his unwillingness to challenge it. It seems to me that part of having a loving relationship is being open to each other's passions, even if we don't share them. To lambast an entire people as corrupt and violent, and to see the legitimate needs, rights, and fears of both people's involved in the region suggests a personality that is highly defended and fearful. Maybe there is something else going on inside of him that he had not made clear to you. Of course I don't know either of you, and I may be totally off the mark, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Anyway, you might want to look at some of the great peace work being done in Israel. Check with the Shalom Center and Peace Now for resources.

Hi Rabbi:
I have been undergoing a major transformation in the last year or so. More joy and peace and kindness. I am a lapsed Jew and tho there are no other religions that appeal to me, neither does Judaism. I am looking for a more spiritual path and I do not know where to start. I feel the yearning for a connection, and though I believe in a higher power, a spirit I do not necessarily believe in a God as that spirit. I also have physical limitations that I believe can be assisted with a greater spiritual connection. Can you help me find a path to start down. Submitted by Sara on Aug 25, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Sara,

You are not alone in your quest. There are many serious seekers who find no home in conventional religion. Luckily there are many wise teachers speaking to you. I would suggest two of them: Andrew Harvey and his book, The Direct Path, and Wayne Teasdale and his book Mystic Heart. I know and trust both of these men (Wayne died not too long ago). I think they may be of help to you.

Dear Rabbai
I am at the age of 60 and still could not find a concrete answer to one of my questions and that is the purpose of suffering of inocent people although I had the chance of rising this qoustion from competent people of different cult.To give you an example.Recently I red in a news paper that a boy at the age of 10 was kidnaped by two other boys at the age of 15 and 16 The prosecutor found them guilty for the charge of assaulting the boy first and murdering him by thgrowing him in a river.The most tragic part of their confession was,the begging and sobbing of the small boy for their mercy before his death.Dear Rabbai Is there any explanation for suffering of such small boy?
The worse thing was that it was found both boys themselves were the victiom of the same assault at their childhod.
Abba Submitted by abba moradian on Aug 25, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Abba,

I wish I could explain why such things happen, but none of the theories I have encountered work for me. Suffering is simply a reality. Evil is simply part of the warp and woof of humanity. To explain it away, to deny evil is real or to hide behind the notion that it is all part of God's plan seems shallow and even callous to me. Good and evil exist for the same reason up and down exist, and right and left exist. Good and evil go together and we cannot have one without the other. There is no "why" here.

Rabbi:
this is my first visit to your Q&A column. I appreciate your insight and the support you give those who seek more depth in their spiritual journey. Someone who understands. How refreshing!!

I've recently finished reading "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd and enjoyed it immensely. Subsequent to that I picked up "Let the Magic Begin" by Cathy Lee Crosby. It caused a "light" to go on in me - an "awakening" that has truly touched my soul.

Can you suggest any additional reading?

Also, now with this new found awareness, how do I continue to write as a "Christian" writer? My faith in God is strong but my faith, coupled with this new-found awareness causes me to grow nauseous when thinking about patriarchal "organized religion." (I just came out of an Assemblies of God church which was incredibly patriarchal)

Any advice as to how I write about my new found "awareness" to those who would deem it "New Age or Cultish" would be appreciated.
Namaste,
Lisa
Submitted by Lisa Bass on Aug 9, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Lisa,

There is a word in Hebrew, "b'shert" which means somethings are fated. Just this morning, before I read your letter, I discovered a wonderful follow-up to "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter." The title is "Chasing Sophia" by Lilian Barger. It was b'shert.

I would also suggest you work with material by Teresa of Avilla. Carolyn Myss has a new book on her teachings that you might find very helpful.

Good luck,
Rami

I grew up in a jewish household though I consider myself agnostic. That being said, I've always wondered why the Jews didn't accept Jesus, one of their own, as their savior / messiah? Submitted by Michael Friedman on Jul 26, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Michael,

Most Jews do accept Jesus as one of their own. He was a Jew born to a Jewish mother, so he is as Jewish as I am. Accepting Jesus as messiah is something else.

From a Christian perspective Jesus solves a problem Jews don't have. Christians (and I am being very broad-brush here) believe that humans suffer from Original Sin and that only the death and resurrection of Jesus can save you from the consequences of that sin. Jews don't believe in Original Sin. Neither does most of humanity.

I welcome Jesus as a great prophet, teacher, rabbi, and Wisdom Sage. I have no use for him as the cure for Original Sin. Of course if I am wrong I am going to Hell, so think for yourself.

As a follow up to my previous question, I find it disturbing to frequently hear that if you don't accept Jesus as savior you're basically doomed (good Jews go to the hot house while Christians go to heaven despite the fact that they may have committed a heinous crime but still accept Jesus as savior). I'd assume that God's easy assignment would be to look into a person's soul to see who he'd accept, and that he wouldn't "penalize" someone for believing in him in a non-Christian manner. If one is born from a non-Christian mother's womb and wasn't socialized / instructed in the ways of Jesus, I don't believe that should have any bearing on salvation. It's not that I reject Jesus, I've just never been inculcated with that theological belief. Please comment. Thank You very much. Submitted by Michael Friedman on Jul 26, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Michael,

At the heart of organized religions are lots of small minded people worrying about who is in and who is out of God's favor. The idea that we can know the mind of God is silly. And the idea that God would take sides in our stupid squabbles is sillier still. Whether we are talking about Chosen People, Saved People, True Believers, etc. it is always the same nonsense. This should be no more disturbing to you than listening to little boys argue over whose dad can beat the other dad. Religion is the same arguement created by the same boys when they grow up. Or fail to.

A 93-year-old lady is in a quandary. When she immigrated to North America, she became a devout Christian and believes the Christian dogma that “no one enters the kingdom of heaven except through Christ.�
Her own mother died decades ago in Japan as a Buddhist; therefore she believes that her mother did not “enter the kingdom of heaven.� Will the souls of the Buddhist mother and Christian daughter be able to meet? She asks.

Her husband, who died years ago, reconciled his own conversion to Christianity by believing that all religions are like climbing to the top of the same mountain (i.e., to God) but from different sides, and that believers of all religions meet one God, but what can I tell her?
Submitted by Emsmo on Jul 26, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Emsmo,

Tell her that God is love and love is too great to be limited to human ideas about who gets into heaven and who does not. Mother and daugher will meet, and their love will be stronger than ever.

I'm in my mid 50's, and am experiencing something I can't identify! I've normally been a happy, can't wait to get up, and face the next day type!

In the past, if I felt down, it was always associated with something tangible, such as a breakup, or family member passing!

Now, I have no reasons for what's happening! Suddenly, this past Monday, and prior to that, I had a day that felt like a Dark Night of The Soul! A terrible emptyness and sense of life having no point or joy!

Since I have been on a spiritual path, finding my true self, using awareness, to reach an awakened state, as you mention, I suspect that it could be connected to this!

Or, a form of men's menopause, suggested to me, by some! I don't have health benefits right now, so can't have that theory checked out, yet!

I'm not a taking meds type, so the struggle continues, until at least, I come to some understanding, which has always help lift and solve problems in the past!

Thanks for any input,
Del Submitted by Del on Jul 17, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Del,

It is always a good idea to check out the potential physical aspects of this kind of thing, so do so when you can. As for the Dark Night aspect, if it were me going through this (and I have) I also look into the psycho-spiritual aspects. It could be that something is dying or needs to die in your life; something that is no longer vitality-producing. It could be that you need to explore the shadow side of things for a while and should just let things unfold as they will.

The key for me is whether or not I continue to live constructively. I may feel like shit but if I am still functioning, meeting my legitimate obligations, and taking care of myself then I am willing to see where things will lead. If you are depressed and nonfunctioning you should seek psychological and medical help.

Dear Rabbi,
I think I have witness and experience a lot negative human nature ugliness, like violence and injustice. I think I have been victims in some past lives and hate the prosecutors a lot. So, in this life, I am sensitive and easily identify the trace of hidden negativeness and violence in people, so I always easily got unease and angry feeling at them about their stubborness, stupidity and uglinesss in upholding these negative human nature. I can't feel forgiveness, I don't love these people, for my feeling is like I can't swallow and embrace a thorny dagger into my throat or put it embrace it into my belly. Also, I think my negative reflection to them at least let them have a chance to know that there is something wrong with themselves. Like a murder, if not caught, or punished, they may continue to think their wrong doing is ok in this world, they think they have the right and allowance to destroy others' lives. So, I don't think forgiveness and love will do great change to them easily. They may just take advantage over people's kindness.
I would like to hear your advice. Thank you a lot !
Crystalrainbow_shaman Submitted by crystalrainbow_shaman on Jun 27, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Crystal Rainbow Shaman,

Your sensitivity to negativity can be used for the good. I would suggest you find yourself a teacher of tonglen, the Tibetan practice of taking in and transforming the negativity of life into something positive. Or you could continue making this all about you and stay stuck in this story. Try tonglen.

I wrote to you before about my brother stealing my mother's money. He has taken more than $2 million dollars from her. Now she has to move away from her home because she doesn't have enough money to live in CT. No one seems to care about this except me. He is vacationing and enjoying himslf with her money and I am left to pick up the pieces. What should I do? Where can I find help? Submitted by Dee on Jun 27, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Dee,

This is far too specialized for me to answer. It sounds like a legal issue. Perhaps you should consult a lawyer.

Dearest Rabbi!!! I have no question, just an expression of joy and gratitude! As I read your answers to the many questions, I can feel the immense support that your wisdom and guidance provides: both to my soul as well as to my physical body! Thank you for sharing your gift of wisdom gained and serving as a both a rudder for our "behinds" and a magnet for our "fronts"! It is an honor to share the learning here with fellow seekers!!! :) Submitted by Mary Beth on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Thanks, Mary Beth. I make no claim to knowing anything you don't know, but if I can help you remember what you already do know, I am blessed.

My father was an Atheist (I mean hard core Atheist) and my mother a Catholic woman but not very devout.
I grew up thinking science and reason were the only answers to all questions in life.

However through the years and events. God made His presence felt to me, somehow.
I am gay or rather I'd say bisexual, and I have had always very strong sexual impulses. Sometimes Iwithout looking for sex, people are attracted to me. Anyway being so sensual and sexual I never imagined that spiritual life was something for me.
Recently I was seriously ill, almost a NDE, and I felt the love of God that came upon me, I cannot explain it easily.

Anyway I happened to know the Anglican Church here in Mexico and I am seriously considering beingbaptized. The Roman Catholic Church does not appeal to me, in Mexico our national history registers lots of abuses, manipulation, political motives etc where the Catholic Church has been involved even now.

Can God love me and invite me to live a spiritual life being who I am?
Submitted by Marco Rosas on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Marco,

God made you who you are, so how could God not love you for being who you are?

In Judaism there is a saying: the greater the saint, the greater the sexuality. There is a direct connection between spirituality and sexuality, which is why we get into so much trouble with both.

In addition to exploring this church you might want to read the books of Andrew Harvey, especially his autobiographical works and his anthology "The Essential Gay Mysics."

I am Christian, but I have difficulty praying in the traditional sense of the word (I prefer meditation/contemplative prayer). I am also what you describe as panentheistic, but I work in a church where I am called to pray with others who are ill, etc. I do the best I can, but sometimes (because I don't believe in a personal God) I feel like an imposter. Yet - I 've always felt drawn to the spiritual and am attracted to that kind of work environment. How do you pray? How do you reconcile a lack of belief in a personal God with verbal prayer? Submitted by Dori on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Dori,

Christianity in all its forms is rich with contemplative prayer that takes you beyond the anthropormorphic images of God, so rather than answer your questions about how I pray, let me offer you something more beneficial and practical.

1. Check out Centering Prayer and Father Thomas Keating.

2. Read "The God We Never Knew" by Marcus Borg, and "The Way of the Pilgrim" of which there are several good English translations.

I think these may be of great value to you.

How come you are so cynical? The Secret shares very POSITIVE things about hope, belief and increasing self esteem -- what you are saying NEGATES ALL THAT.. SHAME ON YOU! Anyone who writes something NEGATIVE about others like you do surely deserves THE SAME! OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE PROOF THE SECRET CAN WORK - As it would appear that you lack much love and respect to say what you say! YOU SEEM TO BE A VERY MEAN SPIRITED PERSON... I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH YOUR NEGATIVITY AND PESSISIMISM! RABBI? What a joke! Submitted by Martial Thevenot on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Martial,

I am sorry that my essay has caused you to attract such anger and hatred into your life. Please try and turn this around, I worry what else you are going to manifest.

A friendship of 10+ years is in danger of ending because my friend has been bitten by the great and powerful "Secret" and I believe we can't just sit around and wish upon a star. I was so happy to read your article. Thank you for being the voice of reason. Submitted by Nancy on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Nancy,

What a shame to lose a friend over "The Secret." There has to be a way to make room for differing beliefs. I have lots of friends with whom I disagree on things of great importance to each of us, but we learn to look beyond differences. If your friend wants the relationship to continue ask her (and I am not being sarcastic) to think positively of you and the relationship, and promise to do the same. Love is bigger than this.

Your article regarding "The Secret" raised some great points. I read the book and saw the movie...thought there was some valuable information, but also had the nagging feeling that it was just to self-centered. Still, I was fascinated by the premise that we attract things and situations into our lives. So when our house and town was distroyed by an F5 tornado last month (we live in Greensburg, Ks., maybe you saw it on the news?) I had to question what kind of negative thoughts and energy an entire town of 1,400 people put out into the universe to attract this kind of devastation and pain. Was this some kind of collective bad karma or what?? Those truly insensitive have even went so far as to imply that this was the judgment of God. I do believe our thoughts are powerful precursors to actions, but there are just some things for which we cannot take credit or responsiblity. It would be quite cruel and non-productive to apply "The Secret" theory to this situation. Thanks for offering a balanced perspective. Submitted by Kathy on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Kathy,

Blaming the victim (whether it is the victim of race, rape, genocide or weather) is always comforting to the person doing the blaming, but rarely helpful to the person being blamed.

Weather has nothing to do with wishing. If it did we should stop doing anything about Global Warming and focus instead on thinking about Global Balance.

Greensburg wasn't punished only pummeled. The challenge is not what you did to bring the storm to your town, but what you can do to help those hurt by it.

Hello Rabbi Shapiro:

I am 42 years old. I have a major history of depression. I believe that a major reason for my depression, and hopelessness, and lethargy in life, despite my intelligence and talents, and years of schooling, has to do with my conflict between my religion and my sexuality. I have talked about this issue with hundreds of people, and have sought solutions everywhere, including various forms of psychotherapy. I cannot or maybe, do not want to solve my conflict. It comes up day after day after day after day. I have, at the same time, tremendous love, and tremendous hate and tremendous doubts and disillusionment with my religion, and do not take it seriously, ... but somehow cannot bring myself to give it up. I have let go of it in the past, and have, as a result of serendipidous events, come back to it ... I also don't want to or cannot let go of my homosexual behavior, and the hope of having a relationship with a person that I love ... Although I am not at all comfortable with having a gay lifestyle, or leting people know that I'm gay, but I have had sexual relationships and am still pursuing them .. and then I probably feel quite dirty and guilty as a result on some level ....

I believe my conflict is eating away at my brain, and i'm sitting on the fence for over twenty years now, and cannot choose between my very strong sexual and lonely feelings, and my religion, (And i blame my doubts for not giving in to my religious beliefs) ... or being comfortable with a compromise between the two, as so many people are ...

Can you help Me ? I'm soo tired ...

Thank you so much. Submitted by Alexander on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Alexander,

First let me say that I am not a therapist, nor do I play one on TV or on the internet. Serious depression requires serious attention from a trained professional. So get into and stick with therapy. Just make sure you find a therapist who is capable of working with your issues of sexuality and religion.

Having said that, let me add this: the narrow self or ego feeds on conflict, and your's is having a perpetual feast day. If you are gay man, be a gay man. If you are unconfortable being gay be an uncomfortable gay man. Stop fighting your reality. If things could be other than they are they would be. Reality is reality and there is no point wishing otherwise.

The same goes with your feelings about your religion. If you like it, like it. If you don't like it, don't like it. But stop the drama. Just be miserable!

Seriously. Just be present to what is and stop distractiing yourself with what you wish. When you are present to reality it will always take care of itself. When you are present to your drama it never resolves.

If you haven't already done so, check out Byron Katie, she may have a lot to say to you that will be valuable.

Hi Rabbi Shapiro,
My question might be more indicative of how confused I am rather than one of substance, but here it is: If we are all spiritual beings, why is it that our true nature is so difficult to know? I have tried to develop a spiritual practice over the years to include daily meditation, but still have not had a transcendent experience or any insight into a “spiritual” legacy. Further, would you have any thoughts why our true nature would be so hidden from us and not easily accessible? Thank you in advance for your insights into my question(s).

Regards,

Dennis Hayes
Submitted by Dennis Hayes on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Dennis,

You aren't confused at all. You are simply realizing the great paradox of spiritual practice—there is nothing you can do to realize your true nature! Trying to realize what and who you are is like trying to bite your own teeth or smell your own nose. All you can "do" is stop doing anything. Of course if you try to make stopping a practice it will become just another hindrance to realization, so stop trying and stop not trying and stop stopping and....!

I meditate, chant, pray, and walk with God because I enjoy doing so, not in order to get something I lack or become someone I'm not. Don't turn spiritual practice into work. It is play. Turning play into work is the great disease of our culture.

Just notice when you are caught up in a story about why things are the way they are and stop feeding your thoughts. Easy to say, I know. Read Gangagi's new book or anything by Ramana Maharshi to get a better idea as to what I am talking about.

Dearest Rabbi!!! I have no question, just an expression of joy and gratitude! As I read your answers to the many questions, I can feel the immense support that your wisdom and guidance provides: both to my soul as well as to my physical body! Thank you for sharing your gift of wisdom gained and serving as a both a rudder for our "behinds" and a magnet for our "fronts"! It is an honor to share the learning here with fellow seekers!!! :) Submitted by Mary Beth on Jun 21, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Thank you so much, Mary Beth. I get a lot of nasty email, which we don't post, so it is good to hear someone so positive.

Thanks for your response on "The Secret." I totally agree! Someone needed to speak out about this, especially the bogus scientific claims. Submitted by Karen on May 19, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Your welcome, Karen. I have gotten a lot of negative response to the article, which is ironic for people who believe in The Secret. Many of these critics accused me of being angry. I admit to being outraged by the narcissism that passes for spirituality in some circles, but I was not angry. I didn't care enough to become angry. I wish all followers of The Secret well, and if wishing does in fact help, I am glad to be of help. I only hope that if positive thinking fails them they won't give up on spirituality itself.

I have been reading your wonderful answers with great interest. One theme that attracts me especially is your recurring one that we are already one with God, as waves in the Ocean etc but living with the illusion of ego separateness which will leave us at death. I know words are really inadequate in these mysteries but I just wonder could you expand on the theme and also how you deal with the objection that this viewpoint is some sort of mystical pantheism? Many thanks Submitted by liguori on May 15, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: I am not sure how to expand on the idea that all is God. What more is there to say? What I can do is apply this idea to the notion of spiritual practice: If you and God are already one, why meditatate, pray, chant, etc?

If you practice in order to change Reality, then your practice is egoic and futile. If you practice to clear your mind so that you can see what already is, then it is worthwhile.

As for the charge that my view is mystical pantheism—more or less guilty as charged. Mystical means one seeks a direct experience of Reality; what can be wrong with that? As for pantheism, I am actually a panentheist, and that little "en" makes all the difference to me.

Pantheism as I understand it equates God with nature. PanENtheism says that God includes and transcends nature. The ocean is greater than the sum of its waves.

This is my experience: all is God and God is even greater than that.

I am frequently depressed and go to the gym a few times a week. I am not able to do anything like volunteer work or go to a church because of my self image. I am on disablility for bi polar and look down on myself for that reason. How can I bolster my self image to motivate myself to do more for God? Thank you Submitted by Jim on May 1, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Jim,

First let me offer a caveat. If you are truly bi-polar you need to be under a doctor's care, not an on-line rabbi's. Having said that...

The notion that your self image can keep you from doing anything is simply silly. You may feel crummy when you go to church or volunteer, but you can still go to church and volunteer.

I am not a big fan of motivation before action. Nor do I think you can bolster your self esteem by waiting around for your self esteem to be bolstered. Actions not feelings are what matter to me.

If you do something well, your self image will improve. The more you accomplish the more accomplished you will feel. It doesn't work the other way around.

So see a doctor for the serious condition, and do something constructive for the rest.

I consider myself spiritual, but not religious. All my life I've struggled with the deep, searing pain I feel over animal and environmental suffering. It rocks me to the core. I've been a vegetarian and activist for most of those years, but often find myself begging to be released from this sensitivity. I envy the majority who seem to be wrapped up in their own small worlds, not caring to do anything for the greater good. I no longer want to see suffering at every turn, because it hurts so very much. Any wisdom to share? Submitted by Janet on May 1, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Janet,

Please never ask to feel less, to care less, to love less, even if feeling, caring, and loving bring suffering. We need people like you. But...

There is no need to identify with your feelings. They are to you what clouds are to the sky. Be the sky, not the clouds. You are not your body, or your feelings, or your thoughts. You are the One who is all.

What I suggest is that you learn to cultivate spacious mind, or sky mind, or big mind. There is a wonderful program called Big Mind training that you can learn about and perhaps participate in. Check it out on-line.

We're having trouble with our teenage son, staying out late, acting on impulse, even getting involved with the "wrong crowd." Do you have any suggestions to help us give him the tools he needs to become more grounded? Submitted by HeatherS on May 1, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Heather, I wish I did. There is a story about a Hasidic rabbi who meets fellow who is crying uncontrollably. When asked what is the matter he tells the rabbi of all the trouble his son has gotten into. The rabbi suggests on that the man love his son. The man then goes on tells even more tales of his son's craziness. The rabbi responds, "Then learn to love him even more."

To this I would only add that this is his life not yours. Be there for him if you can, but never take on his problems as if they were your own. You are not responsible for the choices he makes. Model the right way but do not blame yourself for his choosing the wrong way.

Dear Rabbi,
I’m a new reader of your magazine. I’m from the country which was formerly atheistic. I have some Jewish roots in my blood and in my heart and want to discover this religion and this spiritual way. You wrote: “I chant God’s Name and practice hitbodedut daily…“ Could you be so kind to describe more the daily practice for the people who are new in your religion? Thank you Submitted by Sonya on May 1, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Sonya,

This is a huge question and one that I cannot answer in this format. There are many introduction to Judaism books you can explore. But I think the heart of Jewish practice was expressed best by Jesus when he said that loving God and loving your neighbor are the two most important Jewish commandments. Judaism is a detailed system to do these two things.

A friend has asked me to participate in her Anamcara practicum. She asked that over the next 2 months I write my Vidui as a mindfulness and surrender practice. (She is primarily working with hospice friends, but asked me to also participate). Her intention is for us to examine how the process of writing a Vidui impacts my life today. Neither of us have a Jewish background. I generally understand a Vidui is one's own way to make meaning of life as the end of life approaches. Are there any comments or information you have that would enlighten or enrich this process for me? Thank you! Submitted by Sharon on May 1, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Sharon,

A vidui is a deadbed confession, a chance to let go of the last things that tie you to ego and the illusion that you are anything other than God. I wouldn't use it to make meaning of your life. Making meaning traps you in making a story, and this ties you all the more to ego.

Rather, simple review the stories you already have and confess them. That is to say simply admit with as little judgment and commentary as possible the pain and suffering you have caused and the pain and suffering you have endured. As each item arises let it go. No meaning. No purpose. Just reality as you remember it (already a bit of a story, but there is no alternative).

What you should discover is a lightening of your load. Grace not meaning is what comes from vidui.

I am a child of two of the most pessimistic people on the face of the earth. How can I avoid becoming like them and how can I protect myself from their negativity? Submitted by kwind on Apr 6, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Thinking you will become like them and that you have to protect yourself from their negativity suggests you are already sliding into pessimism. But the truth is pessimism and optimism are just labels, part of the story we spin about ourselves. Choosing one over the other isn't the answer. Better to simply keep yourself open to what is, rather than the drama you spin about what is.

I would suggest you pick up a copy of Byron Katie's Loving What Is and begin using her Four Questions to challenge your story, whether pessimitic or optimistic. I find her work to be delightfully liberating.

I am a Catholic studying in a Jesuit college and my major is religious studies. I've grown especially interested in Judaism, and I'm in my second semester of Hebrew and I love it. I have given the idea a great deal of thought and research, and I have decided I want to convert to Judaism. However, I know that Rabbis sometimes turn prospective converts away, so I am very intimidated to begin. I need advice on where to start and how to approach the transition. Submitted by HAM on Mar 13, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Ham,

As tempted as I am to say that no matter what you do you cannot make Ham kosher, I will bite my tongue and answer your question.

First, conversion to any faith is a highly personal affair, and you need to find a rabbi with whom you really connect. In this regard I suggest you visit a variety of synagogues and meet their respective rabbis to see if any of them speaks to your soul. And while it is true that rabbis don't seek converts and tend to test the convert in a variety of ways, most are open to exploring your spiritual journey and helping you find ways to enrich your life through Judaism.

Second, before you seek out a rabbi, however, I would find a priest to speak with about your struggle with Catholicism and your attraction to Judaism. The religions of our youth have a hold on us that can be nurtured into deep spiritual awakening. Don't give up on Jesus until you are certain your path is not his.

Long story short: new wife, new baby, and things are hard... emotional ups and downs for both adults, and the marriage feels... stretched, for lack of a better word. I want to make things better -- can you recommend a good book or two to read that can provide some points to ponder and discuss in an effort to improve our relationship?
Thanks,
k Submitted by kevin on Mar 2, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Kevin,

There are many fine books on parenting as a spiritual practice. I especially like the one by Stephen Levine. The key to your situation is three-fold.

First, make time for yourself. Your wife and you both need time away from the baby and each other. This can be time to exercise, meditate, walk—just to be alone to catch your breath.

Second, make time for yourself and your wife together. Create a Sabbath practice for yourselves. At the least you should set Friday evenings aside for the two of you. You can bring the baby into this later. For now, make time to light candles, have a simple but romantic dinner, and make love. Don't expect your sex life to be the same as it was before the baby arrived. Take the pressure off, but make time to make out.

Third, see a marriage counselor. You don't need to do this just for major trauma. By the time couples think they should see a therapist they have waited too long. A regular check-in once a month or so might work wonders for you.

Bottom line— cultivate compassion for yourself, your wife, and your baby. This can be one of the richest times of your life, but it takes courage.

Good luck,
Rami

How do you suggest I establish a relationship with God? For I as long as I can remember I have been trying. I have gone to several different churches, read what seems like a bazillion books, meditated, and still I just don't feel a connection at all. I want to know what the illusive word "faith" feels like. Thank you for you wisdom in this matter. Submitted by Pamela on Feb 25, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Dear Pamela,

There is no one way to do this, only your way. Having said that, let me share a few other thoughts with you.

First, you don't have to establish a relationship with God; God has already established a relationship with you. God is to you as the ocean is to its waves. All you have to do is wake up to the connection, not create it.

One way to do this is to chant God's Name throughout the day. Given that God is infinite, God's Names are many, but, since you are a Christian, you might use the Jesus Prayer, “Lord Jesus have mercy on me.” Read The Way of the Pilgrim to get an idea as to how amazing this practice is.

If chanting doesn’t appeal to you, try a deceptively simple yet powerful method called Hitbodedut, isolating yourself with God. Go out into nature for an hour each day (or less if you don’t have the time) and talk with God as you would a best friend. If you don’t know what to say, start with that: share out loud your struggle to feel your connection with God. Verbalize whatever you are feeling. Don’t feel you must speak to God in a special way, or offer praise and thanksgiving. Just talk. If you’re angry, share your anger. If you’re confused, share your confusion. If you need something, ask for what you need. Just keep talking. In time you will sense that God is present, first as an Other, then as your true self, then as both.

I chant God’s Name and practice hitbodedut daily, and the benefits have been extraordinary. You should work with these tools for forty days before judging if they are right for you. I wish you luck.

My elderly parents live next door. My father is legally blind and my mother can just barely get around. My father is full of anger and relates almost everything to sex. My mother is very negative. They need help but will not get it instead they rely on me. My husband had a massive heart attach last Feb. I need to help him in our business. What is my responsibility to my parents? Submitted by teri on Feb 1, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: This is a difficult situation, and I wish you well. What you owe your parents is, as the Bible says, honor. To honor your parents is to treat them with compassion and respect, the help them maintain their health and dignity as best they can, and to keep food on their table, clothes on their backs and a roof over their heads. Honoring them does not mean loving them, forgiving them, excusing them, enslaving yourself to them or giving up your life for theirs.

Here is what I suggest. First, take care of yourself. With all this stress in your life you are at risk. See to your own health—physical, emotional, and spiritual. Get help from friends and professionals. Second, help your husband, but be careful not to let fear of another heart attack keep him from living fully; there is no point in living if you are afraid to actually life. Third, honor your parents and offer to help them get the care they need but not from you. If they refuse, then they must live with the consequences of their refusal. Do not be guilted into slavery. They will never be satisfied with what you do. You will never earn their love. Your dad will always be angry. It isn’t your fault. Don’t swallow the poison he has prepared for himself.

In a nutshell— Honor them and love yourself. You may go through periods of great doubt and guilt over this, but honor is what you owe them and honor is what you are giving them, and the rest they must do for themselves.

Some of my friends make negative comments from time to time about various religious/ethnic groups. I've expressed my discomfort knowing I can't change someone else's behavior, but what do I do with my own feelings? I've tried defending, educating, and silence but nothing seems to help me feel "clean" afterwards. Submitted by norad on Jan 27, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: There is only one thing we can do with feelings and that is feel them. Not cleanse them, change them, ignore them, or condemn them—just feel them. And then move on.

You already know this. It can't be that you feel dirty forever. Your friends say something that irks you, you respond, you feel dirty (though I am not sure why; annoyed, angry, frustrated, but dirty?) and then you feel something else later. Isn't that how it actually works? Does that sense of feeling dirty last forever or does it fade over time? All feelings fade over time unless you do something to rekindle them. If you are rekindling negative feelings, notice what actions you are doing that cause the rekindling and stop doing them. Otherwise just move on. Or get new friends.

I married a man 18 years ago who is wonderful person He was always there for his kids growing up. His exwife had emotional problems and there is a lot of dysfunction in this former family. His ex wife was very bitter and over the years has turned all the children against us - we have no idea why we are being estranged- My husband and I were very good to them and have tried to reach out on several occasions and they do not even return calls or acknowledge us at holidays etc. It is causing us a lot of pain and sadness to be without any family - how do we work through this and find some peace with it.? Submitted by Mary on Jan 27, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: This is the kind of thing I would bring to a therapist rather than a theologian, but let me simply say this. There are some things we cannot work through and make peace with. Even if you could understand why people do what they do, it might not bring you peace. What can you do? Something else.

There is a wonderful Jewish proverb that says, "You can stir a pot of filth clockwise or counter-clockwise and it will always remain a pot of filth. Better to leave the pot alone and string pearls for the sake of heaven." In other words, you can agonize over the drama of your husband's family for the rest of your lives and they will never be anything but a source of sorrow to you both. Whenever you find yourselves slipping into the habit of stirring that pot of filth, stop yourselves and turn your attention to something else, something that brings joy to you, to others, to God.

If Heaven and Hell are states of mind, how do you account for the reports of those who have had near death experiences and claim to undergo a life review and to see those who have passed over before? Submitted by Holly Schwartztol on Jan 27, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: I don't see how understanding Heaven and Hell as states of mind conflicts with NDE (Near Death Experiences). I suspect the issue is whether or not there is a permanent place to which a disembodied soul goes after death. NDE doesn't tell us anything about this. A Near Death Expereince is just that— near death.What happens when the person enters the Light is still unknown to us since by definition people who experience Near Death do not enter the Light but return instead to life on this plane.

My own sense of the matter is that our true nature is not other than God. There is not separate soul that survives death, since there is no truly seperate self that lives at all. Like rays extending from the sun, we are all unique and temporary manifestations of the One Reality (call it God, Tao, Allah, Brahman, etc.). As we die the illusion of separateness fades and we yeild to the bliss of God in, with, and as all things.

How then do I account for memories of past lives? Since all beings arise from the One Being, we all share One Mind and the many memories that Mind contains. Our mistake is to imagine that we own these memories, that they are mine from a past egoic existence.

The key to understanding what happens when we die is to understand who we are as we live— God manifest in us and as us.

My mother is toxic and hurtful. I never felt loved. I remember a time when she told me that I was a "mistake" (an unplanned pregnancy). I was the 4th child. She said that my father said it would be okay IF I was a boy when I was born (that way he would have two boys and two girls). Well, I turned out to be a girl. I guess this was her way of telling me I was a disappointment. It's sad that this conversation took place, but even more sad that my mother told me! I was under 10 years old.

I am working on healing and continue to grow. I do feel somewhat "stuck" that I feel my mother never loved me unconditionally. I don't know the feeling of what it's like for my inner child to be loved.

Is it possible for my husband to "heal me" with his love? We have a good relationship. I know I need to forgive my parents, but it's hard. Any wisdom to get me on the journey? This pain is so deep.
Submitted by Parvati on Jan 16, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: We already expect too much from the love of a partner or spouse without having to add the expectation that such love will heal the wounds of childhood. Asking this of your husband will almost certainly doom your relationship.

You are never going to get your mother to change. You don't have that power. What you can do is realize that she is toxic and hurtful to you because she is poisoning and hurting herself. For her to say what she does suggests her pain is greater than you and I can imagine. Compassion rather than anger would serve yo better.

I would also suggest you practice metta meditation. This is a simple and profound practice from Buddhism that can change the quality of our relationships. Pema Chodren has written about this extensively, and I have a chapter on how to practice metta in my book, The Sacred Art of Loving Kindness. I think you would find this practice challenging but very liberating.

My brother and I were both adopted. We are adults now. My adopted father left a sizeable estate to my mother when he died. My brother lives near my adopted mother and has taken advantage of her cognitive decline and taken most of her money. I live 500 miles away and was unaware of what was going on until it was way too late. Many people are telling me to pursue legal action against my brother. I think the money is gone and that legal action will only be hard on my mother at this point. I am trying hard to forgive my brother but still feel betrayed and fearful for my mother's future as she is an invalid. This is a huge loss for me as well and even though I belong to a church there isn't a lot of support because this isn't a death or illness. Where can I turn for support? I pray and feel comforted by my spirituality but would like some human compassion as well. Submitted by Dee on Jan 16, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: As a primary caregiver to my ailing mother-in-law, I sympathize with your situation.

I cannot give you any legal advice, but the Ten Commandments say we should honor our parents. Honoring them includes seeing to their welfare in old age.

Going after your brother may or may not be a good idea, seeing to the welfare of your mother is a good idea.

If you can speak with your brother about securing the longterm welfare of your mother, do that. Separate that conversation from one about what he may or may have not done with her money. Enlist his aid in honoring your mom and hope he responds from a place of love. If he doesn't, don't argue, just begin to explore other options. At this point calling your brother to accounts is not the point; caring for your mother is.

Dear Rabbi Rami,

About 10 years ago, my friend's husband had a massive heart attack. He survived, but had been clinically dead for some time. This man was very spiritual and also religious all his life. However, when he recovered from his heart attack, he stated to his wife that there was nothing beyond...no Light, no angels, no relatives, nothing. On the spot he became an atheist.

For some reason, his experience went into my heart, and I have been plunged into 10 years of no faith. I am looking for proof that there is more than what we can experience through the five senses, but when I do see a glimmer of hope, I tell myself to get real, that I don't want to be fooled all over again into a false sense of a Cosmic Reality.

What are your thoughts on this? I am so lost.
Submitted by Suzanne Tate on Jan 16, 2007 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Really being lost means living without the conceit of knowing; it is living with the wisdom and humility of uncertainty. Being lost is a prerequisite for being found, but you aren’t really lost— you are clinging to your friend’s atheism. Does his lack of a near-death experience negate the thousands of people who have had one? And, does the fact that thousands of people have had such experiences prove anything about God and Ultimate Reality?

Spirituality is not about having the right idea about God, but about not clinging to any idea about God. Spirituality is not about having this or that experience, but about waking to the One who knows you are experiencing at all. The content of your experience doesn’t matter. The question is not What am I experiencing? but Who am I that is experiencing?

Who is it that knows you have this or that belief? Who is it that knows you have lost your faith or found it? Who is it that knows you are reading these words? This is the One that matters. This Who behind your ego is the Soul that is the doorway to the Spirit that is you and me and all things. Be in touch with that and you will no longer be lost. Move through Soul to Spirit and ideas of lost and found will have no hold on you.
Yet to base your faith on these is, as you both have found, problematic. No signs... no faith.

The question I would ask is this: Is faith a matter of certainty or uncertainty?

My daughter was placed for adoption 42 years ago.I have found her,but she says she is not ready to talk to me.What else can I do,besides pray for her,to show her how important our connection is,and how she would benefit from forgiving and healing her abandonment wound? Submitted by Birthmom on Dec 21, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Before I answer your question let me say that I assume your decision to put your daughter up for adoption was in the best interest of you both, and that you have never forgotten about her or lost your desire to see her. Indeed it sounds like you have loved her all this time. I admire that. But loving her is not the same as knowing her.

The daughter you loved was the daughter you imagined her to be. You don't really know her and cannot possibly know what would benefit her. Talking with her is important to you, and will, you assume, be of benefit to you, but you really can't say the same for your daughter.

Pray for her by all means. Let her know how to contact you if she so desires. Let her know that you are always ready to connect. And then leave her alone. When she is ready she will find you.

How can someone who has lost hope for the future be helped? Submitted by Georgia on Dec 21, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: I want to very clear with what I am about to say, and in now way mean to be glib. I don't know what you are experiencing and can only respond to what you asked, so listen carefully but don't imagine I have some deep insight into your situation.

That said...

Losing hope for the future isn't a problem. Choosing not to act in the present is a problem.

The future is overrated. It rarely turns out the way we imagine. The future is really only the present when the current present is past. There is no future there is only now. So you can have all the hope in the future you want, but if you do not act now, nothing will come of it.

Forget the future. What would bring you pleasure right now? If it is legal and loving to self and other— do that, and let the future take care of itself.

Hello! In reading your responses to questions, Rabbi, I am truly delighted to see how loving and kind they are. Now for my question...I was raised as Catholic in a highly dysfunctional home, but have always been looking for something else out there. Consequently, I have read several books and attended many different services, called myself a Christian, catholic, Baptist, God-Lover, been born again, etc, etc.... I have always been very fond and even in awe of my Jewish friends. Recently, in doing family research, I find that my Maternal great grandmother had an old Jewish name from Prague. Nobody in my mother's family who is still alive can confirm that. I feel sad and now have a new quest, learning of my possible jewish heritage. Any suggestions??? Thankyou Submitted by janet on Dec 21, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Thanks for the compliment. Let me offer a couple of observations on your letter.

First, your family may have been dysfunctional but Catholicism can't be blamed for that. You may find the teachings of the Church just what you are looking for. I would suggest exploring the work of Father Thomas Keating who is one of my spiritual mentors.

Second, lots of people are discovering lost Jewish relatives and ties to the Jewish people. There are many fine books on geneology that may be help. Also the Diaspora Museum in Tel Aviv has a computerized geneological program that can trace family names. I don't know if it works over the internet but it would be worth exploring. And if you do turn out to be Jewish, welcome home!

Lastly, however, is the idea that you are looking for something "out there." There is a wonderful story of Mulla Nasrudin, a great Sufi sage that seems applicable here. One night Mulla Nasrudin was found crawling on all fours around a street lamp outside his home. When asked what he was doing Nasrudin explained that he had lost his keys. Passersby offered to help and in no time dozens of people were crawling around searching for the Mulla's keys.

After a while someone asked, "Mulla, just where did you drop your keys?"

"Inside my house," Nasrudin said calmly.

"Then why are we looking for them outside under this street lamp?"

"Because the light is so much better out here," Nasrudin answered.

What we seek is often in the dark places of our own soul. You don't need a label, you need only to be true to yourself. You want to find the key? Go inside.

My 43-year-old son is very angry with me because I would not tell him the content of a phone conversation between his 13-year-old daughter and me. My son and her mother are divorced and not on good terms, and at the time of the phone call from my granddaughter, she was with her mother in another state.

My son insisted that as her father he had a right to know everything she said and did. I told him that our conversation was none of his business and that his daughter had as much right to privacy as he does, and that I have that right as well. He began to scream at me, at which point I just handed the phone to my husband. (I wanted him to hear for himself the abusive way my son was behaving.)

My other son thinks I should do whatever it takes to end this problem, even to the point of apologizing, but I don't know what I would apologize for!

I want to have a positive relationship with my son, but fear that may not be possible. I think he is very unhappy and angry in general, and particularly angry with me because I am very happily married to someone who is not his father (from whom I have been divorced for about 30 years). He complains that I have changed from who I was 30 years ago. I try to tell him that we all change and hopefully grow and that this is one of the things I am very grateful for. He doesn't agree, and seems to feel very threatened by that.

I am confused and yes, hurt by his lack of caring. He has said that he will treat me just like he treats everyone else. I have told him that none of those others raised him and fed him and clothed him and worried about him, but he doesn't seem to thin that should count for anything. Yet he wants to be treated as something special himself--my son. (I guess I'm a little angry about this as well.)

How do I deal with this in a way that uplifts both of us?
Submitted by Marilyn Parks on Dec 21, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: To be honest this is way outside the scope of this column, and I hesitate to offer advice without really knowing you, your son, and others involved. Having said that, I would like to offer something.

You reminded your son that you "raised him and fed him and clothed him and worried about him" hoping that that would earn you some special credit. Maybe it should, I don't know. But did you do those things to get something from him or because you loved him?

Chance are it was love that motivated you then and now. Love is often the capacity to make room for other people's suffering without taking on their drama. Your pain comes from taking on your son's drama. I have no idea what is eating at him, but you need not add yourself to the menu.

As for his daughter; no father in his right mind wants to know everything a thirteen year old girl says and does. Your son should be grateful that his daughter has you with whom to talk. You can't tell your dad everything, but grandmothers are something else. Assure him that you will protect her privacy but also her safety and that you will bring him into the conversation whenever necessary.

But above all, don't get caught up in the drama—his, your grandaughters, or your own.

Your two books THE DIVINE FEMININE and ETHICS OF THE SAGES have ruined me for life. Nothing else, nothing less, will ever be Judaism for me again. So... now that you've outed my inner Job, where do you suggest I go to scratch at my sores? Is there like a Friends Meeting for Jews who'd rather sit in sacred confusion than stand in pious mumble? Submitted by Peter on Nov 30, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: I hope your "sores" are like the grains of sand that irritate a oyster to create a pearl. And there is a branch of Quakers called, if I am not mistaken, Universal that is open to and attractive to Jews. We all need more silence, confused or otherwise.

By the way, if my The Divine Feminine and Ethics of the Sages books have ruined you, you might as well go all the way with my other book in the series, The Hebrew Prophets.

Sincere thanks for very clear answer to my last Question. Hope I'm allowed a follow up! Could you briefly summarise the universal ethics which you sense the Jewish people are called to bring to the world? Submitted by Liguori,Zambia on Nov 21, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: The answer to this is quite prosaic: the Golden Rule. In the Talmud we learn of a certain Gentile who came to Rabbi Hillel and challenged him to teach the whole Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel complied saying, "What is hateful to you, do not do to another. All the rest is commentary. Go and study it."

Not long after Hillel, Rabbi Jesus said the same thing: Do to others what you would want others to do to you. Every religion has its own version of the Golden Rule, and it is this that matters most.

But saying it and living it are worlds apart. Practicing the Golden Rule is a demanding discipline. It requires continue self-awareness and self-emptying. It means putting oneself second rather than first, and making compassion and kindness the key to holiness.

When the Dalai Lama says, "My religion is kindness," he is speaking for all great teachers and traditions.

What do you do when you lose faith? Or do you lose it? Submitted by dee on Nov 12, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Let me share a story from the Zen Buddhist tradition.

A scholar visits a Zen Master for tea. The Master pours the tea into the scholar's cup but does not stop pouring even when the cup is full and the tea spills on the table. "What are you doing," the scholar cries. "Can't you see the cup is full?" "Just as you cannot pour fresh tea into a full cup," the Master replies, "so you cannot pour fresh wisdom into a full mind."

Losing faith is emptying your cup of what you know. True faith is not a full cup but an ever-emptying one, leaving you humbled by uncertainty and not-knowing, and thus open to the grace of God's outpouring.

So what do you do when you lose faith? Give thanks and wait.

What do you think of Texas Gov. Perry's acceptance of his pastor's statement that people who are nonChristians are doomed to hell? What do we Texans who are nonChristains tell our kids?
Submitted by rama on Nov 12, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Condemning one another to hell is a way to reassure ourselves that we are right and those who disagree with us are wrong. It is based on ignorance and fear, and reflects a false and narrow understanding of God that leaves no room for humility, love, and open-heartedness.

What do you tell your children? Tell them that frightened people seek to make themselves feel better by frightening others. Tell them that you are not afraid and that you hope they are not afraid either. Tell them that God is all about love and justice, forgiveness, respect, and hospitality. Tell them to feel sorry for the Govenor and his pastor, for the hell they fear burns in their own hearts, and from that hell there is no escape.

How do you feel about being one of the Chosen People and what meaning do you give to the term? I'm a Christian and feel we need to understand God's special Covenant with the Jewish people a lot better! Submitted by Liguori, Lusaka,Zambia on Nov 12, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: The concept of chosenness is not unique to the Jews. Many tribal peoples, the Hopi Indians for example, see themselves as God's chosen. It is simply a way for a people to affirm its uniqueness, and help perpetuate its survival.

Judaism teaches that God chose the Jews to be the bearers of Torah, God's Teaching. Torah contains two types of material: universal ethics and particularistic customs. The Jews are to keep both, and the rest of the world is obligated to follow only the first.

Personally, I think that all peoples are chosen to bring something of the Truth into the world. Truth is too vast for any one people or any one period of history to contain. It is for this reason that I urge people to study all the great wisdom teachings of the world. None is sufficient unto itself, and by learning from each we can begin to approach that which transcends them all.

I am a healer by trade, and beleive that Jesus came to teach us that we are all healers and that heaven is not some place else, but can be here and now if we become like him in Christ-mind and spirit. I would like to know what you think about this and him.

Sincerely,
Wendy, Indiana Submitted by Wendy on Nov 8, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: I consider myself a hasid or disciple of Rabbi Jesus. I believe that Jesus embodied Chochma/Sophia, Wisdom, God's Daughter (Proverbs 8:22), who seeks to teach us the way of holiness. By wrestling with his parables and aphorisms we can shift from narrow mind to spacious mind, what you are calling Christ-mind, see the kingdom of God within and without, and do what he did: heal the sick, feed the hungry, comfort the oppressed, and point to a way of life that is rooted in love and trust rather than fear and power.

What do you think of the outing and hypocrisy of Ted Haggard, head of the Evangelical Associatiion? Submitted by Marcus T. on Nov 6, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: There is no way to defend Rev. Haggard, but there is no need to demonize him either. What saddens me more than the pain he has caused himself, his family, and his church, is the lost opportunity to lift Christian love out of the moral swamp of homophobia.

The problem with Rev. Haggard is not his homosexuality, but his church’s inability to accept homosexuality as part of God’s design. Homosexuality is not a choice. Ten percent of all humans are born homosexual. If you believe God is the creator, then you must accept the fact that God creates homo as well as heterosexuals.

The lie that Haggard lived was foisted on him by the homophobia that mars his faith. The fact that he lacked the courage to be true to who God made him is the real tragedy of this story. Rather than denigrate himself as a liar and a deceiver, Rev. Haggard could call upon his 30 million-member Evangelical Association to end the homophobia that forced him to deny who he is and live a lie in the first place.

Does it bother you that people flash those John 3:16 signs at sporting events? I am a Christian, but I still find it offensive. I was just wondering what a Jewish person might feel. Submitted by Nicole March on Nov 3, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: I can't speak for all Jews, but I personally do not find this offensive. In fact I wish there were others who would share their sacred texts this way. I would love to see signs like these:

"Protect your identity! (Genesis 1:27)"

This text reminds us that we are made in the image and likeness of God, that we are intrinsically holy and worthy of dignity and respect.

Or how about this: "What Does God Require? (Micah 6:8)"

The answer? Do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. Now here is an antidote to the insanity that passes for religion today.

Or for those who really want to push the envelope: "Listen to your wife! (Job 2:9)"

What does Mrs. Job say to her husband after God has killed their kids, destroyed their business, and reduced Job to scratching his oozing sores with a shard of pottery? Curse God and die like a man!

My point is that we should be having a lot more fun with the Bible than we do. I love the Hebrew Bible (as well as the New Testament, Koran, Gita, Tao te Ching, Dhammapada, and a host of other texts), and the more we explore these books the more hope there is that we will begin to dialogue with one another about them and the things that really matter.

A friend told me recently that the reason I don't know God is that I am not willing to pay the price for knowing. How much does God cost? Submitted by D. Cohen on Nov 3, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: How much have you got?

Knowing God costs us everything you have: all your ideas, theories, biases, loves, hates, etc. Only when you are empty of these can you realize that you are full of God.

This is why the most godly are also the most humble (and why anyone who knows me knows I am not godly). What matters is not how much you know about God, but how little.

When you are liberated from knowing and enter into the state of radical not-knowing can you awake to God in, with, and as all reality. Only when you know nothing can you know the No-thing.

For years I have felt perfectly comfortable with my faith, but in the past few months I am nagged by terrible doubt. What can I do to regain my certainty of belief? Submitted by Joel Bryson on Oct 26, 2006 Rabbi Rami Shapiro: Belief, no doubt, is the enemy of faith, trapping you in a sacred "ism" while binding you to the divine Is. Don't erase doubt; embrace it. Doubt if it's allowed to ripen, strips you of certainty and awakens you to a compassionate curiosity rooted in a humble not-knowing that is the hallmark of mature faith. Belief tries to shut curiosity down; no need to look at what is when you know what is supposed to be. But faith thrives on curiosity, encouraging you to embrace the unknown of the next moment without the baggage of the last moment.

So befriend doubt, and give it free rein. Let certainty melt in the fire of not-knowing, and allow it to teach you how to live without certainty, trusting What Is, because there is nothing else.